Author Archive for Russ Crandall

18
Aug

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 12

By Russ Crandall 0 Comments
Categories: MatchMaker: Love at First LARP
Tags: ,


Name: Dratin
Occupation: Fighter
Realm: Sulkin

Okay, I’ll just be out with it: Dratin has a small penis. I know, I didn’t want to go there, but it’s important to my tale. You see, Dratin is a compensator. I mean, look at all those massive, phallic horns sticking out of his armor! And why do you think he has such long hair? It’s to fool people into thinking he has a long…something else. And did you get a look at his sword? The poor idiot went into the armory and bought the biggest sword he could find - paying no attention to the fact that he accidentally bought the cardboard display model instead!!

Continue reading ‘MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 12′

15
Aug

360voice.com Weekly Recap

By Russ Crandall 0 Comments
Categories: Games



Now that Russ is too busy for us, I (Mark/TheJesusZombie) will be temporarily taking over the 360voice Weekly Recap Duties. I’m proud of all of us for last week. Here we go!

P.S. I’m going to leave all three controllers up there in hopes of reminding some people that the name of the site is threevue.com, not twovue.com.

Mark:

This entry is a little different than the others. It is a recap of the last week of gaming. Check it: TheJesusZombie played 6 days last week… pretty solid I guess… I’m not feeling that picky lately. We added 190 points of gamerscore which ain’t too shabby. Getting 12 achievements can do that to you. I was there. I saw it!

For the record, we played 2 new games over the last week. They were Braid, and Geometry Wars Evolved². They were all fun… in their own little ways. Oh, and from what I remember, TheJesusZombie’s favorite game last week was Geometry Wars Evolved². He played it on 5 of the days.

So that’s it. Thanks for reading. PM us for a game or something. We get lonely.

Russ:

This entry is a little different than the others. It is a recap of the last week of gaming. Check it: For the record, it is better to have onionsaregross play one day than to have never played last week at all. We added 10 points of gamerscore. Points are good! That 1 achievement was worth it I guess!

I could go on and on with the stats, but that is enough.

Tyler:

It is hard to believe another week has passed. Here is the recap: So yeah… Last week tyler808 showed up 3 days total and logged some serious gaming. We added 165 points of gamerscore which ain’t too shabby. Getting 11 achievements can do that to you. I was there. I saw it!

If I had a DOLLAR for every new game I played during the week, I would have 2 bucks! w00t! I can now add Braid, and Geometry Wars Evolved² to my collection… unless they were rentals or demos or betas. I couldn’t tell. Also, I think we can all agree that tyler808’s favorite game last week was 1942: Joint Strike. He played it on 2 of the days.

So that’s it for now. It was a good week. On to the next one.

11
Aug

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 11

By Russ Crandall 0 Comments
Categories: MatchMaker: Love at First LARP
Tags: ,


Name: Oldine (”Fingers McGee”)
Occupation: Rabbit Warrior
Realm: Itusk

Oldine looks like your ordinary rabbit warrior (if there ever was such a thing, but that’s a topic for an entirely different conversation), but his freakishly long fingers make him the laughing stock of his people. Poor guy gets called “Fingers McGee” behind his back all the time.

Hey, did you see Fingers McGee the other day? Sorry sap tried to buy and eat a hot dog - he ended up biting really hard on one of his fingers, and he ran home yowling in pain!!

And we all know what happens when somebody has no friends and locks themselves in their room cursing bejeezus for giving them mutated appendages - they develop weird fetishes. And what Mr. McGee Oldine really wants is a girl with ridiculously long fingers, a dragon’s head and a predilection for leg warmers.

Not a tall order, if you ask me.

Continue reading ‘MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 11′

11
Aug

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 10 - Puppy Dog Edition!!

By Russ Crandall 1 Comment
Categories: MatchMaker: Love at First LARP
Tags: , ,

Lots of people don’t know this, but dogs are LARPers, too. And sometimes, they need loving just as much as we do. Unless they’re spayed/neutered. Damn you, Bob Barker. (Note to self: Remember to take that line out whenever Mr. Barker kicks the bucket.)


Name: Chompers
Occupation: Dog
Realm: Keltor

Chompers is actually a pug/spider mix. Don’t ask. Anyway, he’s had a hard time finding dates because of all his extra appendages, but the ladies seem to be forgetting something - having a ton of legs in bed can get very interesting.

Continue reading ‘MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 10 - Puppy Dog Edition!!’

04
Aug

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 09

By Russ Crandall 0 Comments
Categories: MatchMaker: Love at First LARP
Tags: ,


Name: Ageran
Occupation: Studio Drummer
Realm: Inausk

Ageran, professional drummer known all throughout Inausk for his use of unconventionally-huge drumsticks (pictured above), has a hard time finding work. Problem is, he has two strikes against him:

1. He’s Middle-Eastern. What, you thought that super-anti-terrorism and xenophobia were only in America? Sheesh, Americans are so self-indulgent!

2. He looks like a tiger, and as we all know, tigers are the most badass of the big cats. People are scared he’s going to gut them the moment he starts to feel a little peckish.

And women-folk? Don’t even ask. He hasn’t been on a date since September 11th.

Continue reading ‘MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 09′

03
Aug

Rest in Peace, Friend.

By Russ Crandall 1 Comment
Categories: Games and News
Tags:


As you may have read from Mark’s post below, I’m going to be one busy fellow up until the day before my wife and I move to DC in September. In fact, I know it’s going to be so busy that we started boxing up stuff that we won’t need until after the move. I’m sad to say that my Xbox 360 was one of today’s casualties.

Never fear, my good friend and self-professing gamerscore whore Nate will be assuming my gamertag and knocking out easy cheevers for me when he gets bored. So if you see my profile playing Open Season or some Cabella’s game, it’s not me!

And lucky for you, a few weeks ago I wrote enough LARP posts to carry me through to October.

01
Aug

Demotopia! Don King’s Prizefighter

By Russ Crandall 0 Comments
Categories: Demotopia! and Games
Tags: , ,


Don King’s Prizefighter recently made itself available for download, and Mark and I pushed the demo up against the ropes in no time flat. Our thoughts:

Mark:
You know you’re not doing well in a boxing game when you find yourself yelling, “Stay down! Stay down!” at you own boxer, who’s spread like butter across the mat with his eyes swollen shut, and you don’t push the button combination single button that would get him back in the fight just because you don’t want to put him through any more. This is both what happened and how I felt as I played this demo.

The last-gen graphics, button-masher’s-delight control scheme and terrible acting of the real life people in the cut scenes trying to add depth to a game so shallow that it has to be attached to the likes of Don King add up to a recipe for disaster. If you are going to play a boxing game (which you’re not), play Fight Night, or Wii Sports Boxing, or just give yourself a right hook to the jaw, because they are all more fun and fulfilling than this garbage.

Russ:
What a garbage game. I’ll admit, I don’t play boxing games (my last true attempt at playing one was some Evander Holyfield game on the Genesis about 15 years ago), but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what unfun means. And this demo is unfun. I couldn’t connect, and when I did, I didn’t feel like it was doing any good. The controls were so slow and wobbly that I would have a hard time believing that any sort of skill could be put towards this game.

To put it more simply, I simply would never pay for this game. I would maybe play it if I was being paid to do so. If you are interested in paying me to play this game, send me an email.

31
Jul

Demotopia! Japanese Fighting Games Edition

By Russ Crandall 1 Comment
Categories: Demotopia!, Games and Reviews
Tags: , ,


Sometimes, a guy just wants to mash some buttons and watch two guys, two girls, or a guy and a girl go at it. Not in that way - get your mind out of the gutter. And with Soul Calibur 4 hitting the streets this week, I thought I’d get my fingers loose and limber in case I know anyone that buys it. There are a total of three, count ‘em, three Japanese-developed fighting game demos available for download on XBLM: Dead or Alive 4, Rumble Roses Double X, and Virtua Fighter 5. Please note that I don’t play fighting games all that much. I would also like to note that the Def Jam and Smackdown games were not even considered for this piece, because we here at threevue.com don’t play with garbage. Begin!

I had a good time playing all three back-to-back, because it made them really easy to compare to each other. I had the most fun with Dead or Alive 4, was impressed with Virtua Fighter 5’s graphics, and was strangely appalled by Rumble Roses XX. By the way, does that mean that there have already been 19 other Rumble Roses, or is the XX an allusion to almost-totally-hardcore porn? I could see it being both.

VF5 felt like an actual fighting game, and that I was actually in control of my characters (although I definitely was just button-mashing). It also looked 10x better than the other two games. But it was also the least button-mashing friendly. I felt like it was so complex that it would take me weeks to get good at, and weeks I don’t have. I tried to master VF4 on the PS2 many years back and that was no fun. Ain’t gonna happen again.

DoA4 had multiple-level environments, which I thought was pretty awesome, only because it reminded me of Soul Calibur 2. RR XX was straight-up wrassling, which got old within a few minutes, despite the visuals of two “bouncy” girls flopping all over a sweaty mat. If I had to buy one, DoA4 would probably be my choice. But I’m not paying a penny for any of these games.

30
Jul

Would You Pay For Old Valve DLC?

By Russ Crandall 11 Comments
Categories: Editorials and Games
Tags: ,


Hell yes you would. So would I. And Valve’s thinking about it.

Counter-Strike, Half-Life? Bring ‘em on.

I’ve been wanting an excuse to play through the first Half-Life again, and I’d much rather play it on my XBLA than the PS2, which as far as I know was the only platform it was released on. And I never gave Counter-Strike a chance, because I would get killed instantly online. But I’m ready to give it a shot on XBLA.

29
Jul

Threevue.com Writer Meet-Up Tonight

By Russ Crandall 3 Comments
Categories: Music and News
Tags: , ,


Hay fanz, just wanted to let you know that there will be a threevue.com writer meet-up tonight. Invitees include myself and Mark Hill. We’ll be watching the increasingly-popular Vampire Weekend and local friends and DDRU2-featured Linus (whose frontman frequents this site, btw/ftw) live tonight at the Pipeline Cafe in Honolulu.

You are definitely not invited. See you there!

29
Jul

Review: Free iPhone App - Graal Zone

By Russ Crandall 0 Comments
Categories: Games and Reviews
Tags: ,


So, the iPhone App store has been out for a couple weeks, right? Which means that awesome free games are going to start showing up any minute now, right? After playing a bit of Graal Zone, which was released yesterday, I have a feeling that good games are still a way off.

This “MMO” allows you to run around the screen by tilting the iPhone, and then you poke your finger on the right side of the screen to use your weapon on the random people you encounter. That’s about it. You have to dodge bullets and stuff, too. There are 1-on-1 matches that are even less fun, and the wonky controls made me feel like I wasn’t in control of my character.

But for $6 you can get Graal Zone+ which gives you more powerful weapons. Totally worth it!

And look, a pretty neat “you’re dead” screen:

Steer clear, friends.

28
Jul

360voice.com Weekly Recaps: 7/28/08

By Russ Crandall 1 Comment
Categories: Editorials and Games
Tags: , ,


Is it just me, or does the 360voice.com bot seriously want us to be total nerds? I mean, he acts like playing only two days in one week is something to be ashamed of. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE!

Mark:
Someone ask for a weekly recap? Even if you didn’t, here it is: 3 days of gaming made me pretty happy for some reason. A big holler to TheJesusZombie for honoring me with what little time I know is available. It was productive… Gamerscore went up 80 points so I am happy. Yay for 3 achievements! w00t!

And that is all I got… it’s not much, but it is interesting.

Russ:
Are you ready for a recap? I know I am! Giddyup: Not many Xboxes can claim seven days of gaming in a row. Last week onionsaregross and I can… and we will… and it feels so good! Our gamerscore jumped 80 points which was nice. Getting 8 achievements has that effect.

For the record, we only played one new game this last week. It was Hexic HD. I was hoping for a few more, but I guess not everyone is made out of money! Oh, and from what I remember, onionsaregross’ favorite game last week was Puzzle Quest. He played it on 4 of the days.

And that is all I got… it’s not much, but it is interesting.

Tyler:
This entry is a little different than the others. It is a recap of the last week of gaming. Check it: tyler808 played 2 days last week… pretty solid I guess… I’m not feeling that picky lately. I was looking for gamerscore, but the total gain was zero.

In the ‘new game’ category, I only have one to talk about… Rez HD. I wasn’t even going to mention it, but I figured my readers might get mad. So there it is.

I could go on and on with the stats, but that is enough.

28
Jul

MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 08

By Russ Crandall 0 Comments
Categories: MatchMaker: Love at First LARP
Tags: ,


Name: Angrr the Angry
Occupation: Orc, Dragonslayer
Realm: Tia’ilde

Today’s matchup is pretty simple. Angrr the Angry is the only orc in town that works as a dragonslayer. His “unique” career choice comes from a deep and simple need - he loooves the color green. So much so that he slays dragons just so he can take their skins home and put them on his wall (hell, it’s easier than putting wallpaper up, trust me).

What he really wants is a green wife, but as we all know, only trolls are green, and they HATE orcs. Usually.

Continue reading ‘MatchMaker: Love at First LARP 08′

27
Jul

Catch O’ The Day

By Russ Crandall 8 Comments
Categories: Editorials
Tags:


Forgive my lack of posting, I’ve been resting my weary and sunburned limbs. But I return bearing gifts. 10 ahi, 4 mahi mahi. You’re welcome.

ACTION SHOT!!

25
Jul

Fishing Tomorrow, No Posts From This Guy

By Russ Crandall 0 Comments
Categories: Editorials and News
Tags: ,


Although I had a terrible time with it last year, I’ve been suckered into doing to deep-sea fishing tomorrow morning. I hope to be knee-deep in some ahi (yellowfin tuna) by the end of the day tomorrow. I’ll let you know how I make out, but all I’m hoping for is to not get ridiculously seasick the entire time (again).

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